Today I started my last real clinical class. I'm not graduating until May, but that last semester is a whirlwind of an internship and community health nursing. But today we got right back into the gritty, heavy areas - heart disease and diabetes, otherwise knowns as What Kills You in America 101. This semester we're learning how to manage acute and critical care patients; how to perform blood transfusions, monitor chest tube drainage, care for people on ventilators. And then in 8 weeks, most of what I am expected to know as a new RN will supposedly be stuffed somewhere in my brain. I think this is terrifying.

Sometimes at work, I am so thankful to be "only" a nursing assistant. I am thankful to take vitals, to let the nurse know the patient has a fever, to take out IVs and catheters and help patients walk the halls or go to the bathroom. I am thankful because I don't feel ready to be THE nurse yet - to look at my patient's labs and assess why and where that fever is coming from, to jump when the tele monitors are beeping ferociously and see my patient going into v-tach or a-fib (you know you've all seen this on ER). There are nurses at work who graduated from associates degree programs and are 3 years younger than me, and I still don't feel old enough to have this kind of responsibility. I am excited to be a nurse and I can't wait to have a job (a REAL job! a grown-up job! a please-pass-the-dental-insurance-i-have-four-cavities kind of job!). But, sometimes it's intimidating to know that I've chosen the kind of career where I could easily call Joshua and say, "I'm sorry honey but I am going to be late. Yes, it is a LIFE OR DEATH KINDA THING," and mean it.

The other night I worked a double shift and left the hospital at 7:30am. The day shift had come in at 7, looking clean and caffeinated, and I was greasy and tired after 16 straight hours of patient care. And I wasn't the one who had to pass medications, do assessments, and call docs that night.

For all I complain about school and homework and clinical and getting up horrifically early and constant stress, being a nursing student is a pretty good deal. Someone always has your back, and you can always say, "I don't know." You can't really say that when you are a RN and your manager asks why you missed something crucial about your patient. I am excited for the day when I can say I am an expert in a particular field. But I am scared for the time that comes between being a student and becoming that expert...

Suddenly I'm enjoying school again.